Subject: Requirements to join a sorority...
From: Ryan D. Kearns
Date: Tue, 9 Apr 1996 21:16:54 EST
These are meant to be absorbed in good humor -- and yes, I did the same thing
to alt.fraternities... :)
REQUIREMENTS TO JOIN A SORORITY:
1. 2-3 white baseball-style caps, each
bearing the logo of a DIFFERENT University. Must be worn so eyes are not visible whatsoever. Use sparingly. Can be
especially effective in the mornings if you have had a long night of nursing one beer and dancing 'til 2am.
2. One of those little leather backpacks which are adequate enough to store makeup supplies and maybe a book or two.
3. Birkenstocks, Tevas, as well as a pair of clog-style shoes to be used when you want to walk very fast and
look especially disgusted at all unworthy males you encounter.
4. Must be able to walk at rapid speeds with
arms crossed and looking down at the sidewalk.
5. Learn how to flirt outrageously with a guy all night at a bar,
and then later leave with your girlfriends and make fun of how much of a loser he was.
6. Must own at least 2-3 "Grab a Date" t-shirts; must have attended at least one.
7. Must be able to toss hair back and look especially disinterested in the world -- do this at least 14 times daily.
8. If you must date someone outside a fraternity, keep it hushed, and don't go where you might be seen by people of importance.
9. Must have a lifetime membership to a 24-hour tanning salon.
10. "Friends" cannot be missed. If you have a "Grab A Date," either ask for a rescheduling, or have a reliable sorority
sister tape it for you. When you watch the tape, don't fast forward through the commercials, or you might miss the preview
of next week's episode.
11. Bud Lite is king. Dark beer is crap. The only real beer tastes very similar to water.
12. Rings are essential. Preferably wear at least three.
13. Must go at least as far south as Florida on every spring break. Bonus points if you come back with a tattoo from
some place you don't know where in the hell you where since you were "like, totally f*&%ing wasted."
14. Must like all trendy music, like Hootie and the Blowfish and the "Friends" soundtrack. Strong distaste for
progressive rock -- especially 1970s. Enjoyment of some rap and dance is also a plus.
15. Car must be at least an '89 model, financed at least 75% by "Daddy."
16. Have parent's/parents' credit card(s) in your possession.
KD File Directory